


how many days, how many nights

by golden_sky



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Gay Panic, Heavy Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Kara is in Denial, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lesbian Kara Danvers, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Love Confessions, Oral Sex, Strap-Ons, also kara really likes storming out on people, basically kara cheats on mon-el with lena and still thinks she isn't gay, it's for narrative purposes i couldnt help it, warning: some minor karamel content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 21:49:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15760377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_sky/pseuds/golden_sky
Summary: Kara can feel herself panicking. She can’t believe she did this. Not only did Kara sleep with her best friend, she told her that she loved her as she did it. She kissed the words into her skin like they were long lost lovers and she’s—Kara isn’t gay. She can't be.





	how many days, how many nights

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this fic was really interesting for me. I've had a lot of trouble dealing with my own internalized lesbophobia and this fic was kind of my own way of working through that by having Kara work through it herself. I've always thought that one of the most interesting things about Kara's character is her sense of duty and the pressure she feels to live up to her cousin (most of which was only explored in s1 lol) and how that would effect her ability to accept being a lesbian and that's basically how this fic was born. 
> 
>    
> Anyway, the title is taken from He'll Never Love You by Hayley Kiyoko if you didn't already realize.  
>   
> This takes place somewhere post 2x18, just for reference.

Kara’s day has been having a really bad day, to say the least. A building burned down and she wasn’t fast enough to save everyone. The guilt of those lives weighs so heavily on her shoulders that she feels like she can’t breathe.

 

Kara doesn’t know how long she’s been standing on Lena’s balcony when Lena finally comes home to her apartment.

 

She can hear the click of Lena locking her door, Lena’s soft footsteps as she walks through her apartment — she’s taken off her shoes, Kara notes — the slight falter in her steps when she sees Supergirl standing on her balcony, looking out over the city.

 

“Supergirl?” Lena asks tentatively, moving slowly towards the balcony.

 

Kara doesn’t respond. She clutches the railing hard enough under her fingers the she can feel it beginning to dent where her fingers are.

 

“What are you doing here?” Lena asks once she finally steps onto the balcony.

 

There’s no fear in Lena’s gait. She stops right next to her, their arms almost touching. Kara sucks in a deep breath. Her hands dig further into the railing. Maybe Lena should be afraid.

 

“Sometimes,” Kara says, her voice breaking. “Sometimes I think that you’re the only one who understands.”

 

Kara can feel the shift in the air as Lena tilts her head in confusion. She can hear the slightest hitch in Lena’s breath.

 

“Understands what?” Lena asks cautiously, but her heartbeat remains stable. She isn’t scared, Kara tells herself.

 

“I feel like everyone expects something from me,” Kara eventually says, and she closes her eyes. “Everyone in this city wants me to be like Superman and sometimes I think I’ll never live up to him.”

 

Lena’s hand covers Kara’s, and Kara’s eyes shoot open. She meets Lena’s, and hers are warm and sincere.

 

“I know a thing or two about that,” Lena agrees, and her thumb sweeps over Kara’s hand. “Except, I suppose, in my case it’s a good thing I’m not what everyone expects me to be.” Lena looks down at their hands. “I heard about what happened. You can’t save everyone, Kara.”

 

Kara jerks her hand away and turns from Lena. She wonders if she should just fly away and never face her again.

 

“I’m not mad,” Lena says, before Kara can finish her plan. “I understand. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for you.”

 

“How long have you known?” Kara eventually asks, still looking away.

 

“A while,” is all Lena says. She steps closer, placing her hand on Kara’s shoulder. “I’ve never seen you any differently.”

 

Before Kara even knows what she’s doing, she’s spinning around and curling her hand into Lena’s hair, bringing her close enough to seal their mouths together in a hard kiss.

 

Lena immediately brings up her other hand so that she’s clutching at each of Kara’s biceps and kisses her back. Lena kisses nothing like the calculating person that she is—her kisses her wild and untamed, like Kara’s finally set her free with her lips and her tongue and her teeth. Kara loves it. She’s never felt anything like it before.

 

Kara lets go of Lena’s hair to curl her arms under Lena’s thighs and hoist her up. Lena squeaks against her lips and pulls away.

 

“Going to throw me over the edge, Supergirl?” she asks, and her voice is rougher than Kara’s ever heard it before. It drives her completely wild.

 

“Never,” Kara promises, and Kara shifts her weight so she can hold Lena with one hand while she tugs her back down into a kiss with the other.

 

Kara blindly makes her way to Lena’s bedroom, making sure that she doesn’t bang Lena into anything. The last thing she wants is to hurt her. She never wants to hurt Lena.

 

Their kiss only breaks once Kara places Lena on the bed and crawls on top of her. Her hands curl into the sheets on either side of Lena’s face.

 

Lena looks up at her, her eyes bright and blown with lust. Her lips are shiny and swollen from being kissed. Her hair is messier than Kara’s ever seen it. She’s absolutely gorgeous, and heat pools in Kara’s belly like it never has before.

 

Lena’s fingers trace over Kara’s cheek, and she doesn’t have to be a mind reader to know that Lena is thinking something of the same thing.

 

“I’ll let you fuck me,” Lena eventually says, and Kara holds back a groan. “I’ll let you fuck me, and if you’re good you can ride my face afterwards.”

 

Kara laughs, pinning Lena’s hands above her head before she can even blink.

 

“Are you trying to tell me what to do, Lena?” Kara asks, bending her head down to suck a kiss at Lena’s neck. “I’ve never liked it when people try to do that.”

 

There’s a dangerous glint in Lena’s eye when Kara looks back up, and Kara licks her lips.

 

“Maybe you just need to learn how to listen,” Lena offers, and Kara can feel Lena try to jerk her hands out of her hold.

 

“Stay still, Lena,” Kara orders, and Kara can feel Lena go boneless beneath her. She smiles. “You still want me to fuck you?”

 

Lena nods, biting her lip, and Kara lets go of her wrists.

 

Lena reaches into one of the drawers on her nightstand and pulls out a dildo and a harness. She raises an eyebrow at Kara and offers them to her.

 

Kara takes them but puts them off to the side; there’s other stuff that she wants to do first.

 

She bends down and kisses the smirk off of Lena’s face, sliding her lips along Lena’s and feeling a spark that she’s never felt before. Not with Mon-el, not with James, not ever. It should scare her, but all she does is kiss her harder, pushing Lena down hard into the mattress.

 

“Not gonna fuck me, Supergirl?” Lena purrs after she pulls away, but she hooks one of her legs around Kara’s waist, tugging her body closer until all Kara can feel is Lena.

 

“Not yet,” Kara finds herself growling, and she feels almost primal. “Maybe if _you’re_ good.”

 

That seems to get to Lena. Kara can see her pupils dilating. She runs her tongue across her painted red lips.

 

“I can be good,” Lena says, her voice husky, and Kara can feel herself getting wetter just at the sound of it.

 

“Good,” Kara murmurs. She pulls back, sitting up on her knees so she’s straddling Lena’s hips. She rips open Lena’s shirt, and the buttons scatter everywhere. Lena doesn’t seem to notice, her eyes fixated on Kara’s face.

 

Kara can’t help but lean down and kiss Lena, and Lena’s hands immediately curl around her neck to kiss her passionately. Her teeth tug lightly at Kara’s bottom lip, and Kara’s never been so turned on in her whole life.

 

She breaks away from her and sits up, moving backwards down the bed. She grabs Lena’s legs under her thighs, hooks them over her shoulders, and rucks up her skirt until she can see Lena’s wet panties.

 

Kara holds back a groan. She can see Lena’s wetness soaking through, and she can smell her—musky and sweet somehow. She can’t resist darting her tongue out to lick along the wet patch. This time she can’t hold back a loud groan.

 

“Like what you taste, Supergirl?” Lena purrs, running her fingers through Kara’s hair.

 

Kara lifts one of her hands from where it’s clutching Lena’s thigh and brings it down in a light slap, just hard enough for Lena to let out a small yelp.

 

“I thought you said you were going to be good,” Kara rasps, and she’s a bit shocked by how low her voice is.

 

She can feel Lena shiver just slightly above her and let out a low whine.

 

“I will,” Lena breathes, her voice just barely tilted into a whine. “I’m sorry.”

 

Kara’s only response is to push up Lena’s skirt further, rip off her panties, and press her tongue to Lena’s clit. She can hear Lena’s breath hitch above her, and she holds back a smirk before circling her tongue around her clit and sucking it into her mouth.

 

Lena lets out a high pitched whine, and Kara pulls off of her clit with a pop. She giggles low and licks her lips, and realizes that she can taste Lena on her tongue. She absolutely loves it.

 

Kara can stop herself from pitching back forward to lick up Lena’s cunt from her hole to her clit. She lets go of Lena’s thighs and uses her thumbs to spread open her labia so she can see her hole. She carefully dips her tongue inside, just barely, but enough for Lena to moan loudly and curse.

 

“Kara,” she whines. “Please.”

 

Kara laughs through her nose and places a kiss on Lena’s clit.

 

“Please what?” she asks innocently. She begins leaving light kitten licks along her pussy, just enough to drive Lena crazy but not enough to get her off.

 

“Please fuck me already,” she begs, grinding her hips against Kara’s face, trying desperately to get some sort of friction.

 

“Only because you asked so nicely,” Kara says, pressing a kiss against Lena’s inner thigh before moving back to her dripping cunt.

 

She licks up from Lena’s along Lena’s pussy, savoring the taste of Lena’s juices. She moans lightly, and Lena can probably more feel it than she can hear it.

 

When Kara gets back to Lena’s hole, she finally digs in, eating her out fervently. Lena’s hands move to her hair, clutching hard enough that if Kara weren’t a Kryptonian, it would probably hurt like hell. Lena gyrates her hips along to Kara’s tongue, forcefully enough that she’s practically humping Kara’s face, and she can feel Lena’s juices dripping down her chin and onto her neck.

 

She moves one of her hands up further to play with Lena’s clit while she eats her out, rolling it between her thumb and forefinger. Lena babbles endlessly above her, a string of curses and praise and begging and Kara.

 

Lena tugs on her hair right before she comes, and Kara works her through it, lapping up all of the juices that gushes out in small careful licks and hard brushes along her clit with her thumb. She moves her free hand up to caress Lena’s side in a comforting gesture.

 

“Fuck, Kara,” Lena mumbles, and she sounds so out of it. Her fingers are practically slack in Kara’s hair. She manages to tug on it just hard enough for Kara to get the message that Lena wants a kiss.

 

Kara crawls back up the bed until she’s close enough that Lena can curl a hand around Kara’s neck and bring their lips together. They kiss languidly—almost lazily—until Lena pulls away, her breath heavy and her face flushed.

 

“You’ve got quite a mouth on you, Supergirl,” Lena finally says, her breathing still slightly labored.

 

“I could say the same about you,” Kara says, dipping back down to kiss Lena again, nibbling along her bottom lip until Lena opens her mouth enough for Kara to lick her way inside. Lena moans and Kara suspects that it’s because she can taste herself on Kara’s lips and tongue.

 

“You still want me to fuck you with the strap-on?” Kara asks against Lena’s lips.

 

“Of course,” Lena says, pecking Kara on the lips one last time. “How do we take off the suit?”

 

Kara sits back up on her knees, looking down at Lena sprawled and debauched on the bed. She giggles and runs a hand along Lena’s bare stomach because she can’t help herself.

 

“We don’t take off the suit,” she says, coloring her tone with false disbelief at the suggestion.

 

Lena’s eyes seem to somehow go darker, her blue-green irises completely gone and replaced with black.

 

“You’re going to wear the suit while you fuck me?” Lena practically croaks, her voice breaking.

 

Kara nods, feeling herself practically dripping just at the sound of Lena’s voice.

 

“Not yet, though,” Kara murmurs, ignoring Lena’s protest that _you already said that_ and settling back between Lena’s spread legs. “Gotta open you up first.”

 

Kara makes quick work of fingering Lena open. She marvels at how wet Lena is — at how wet Kara made Lena get. She loves the way Lena pants and moans and begs for more above her, and the high pitched noice she makes before she comes.

 

Rao, Kara could spend the rest of her fucking life makes Lena come and she’d never get tired of it.

 

After she’s made Lena come twice more with her fingers and tongue, Lena gives a light push on her forehead.

 

“Stop,” Lena says, but it sounds almost slurred. “I want you to fuck me.”

 

Kara smiles at how completely wrecked Lena is, and leans up to kiss Lena, her lips practically slack against Kara’s.

 

Kara runs her hands up Lena’s torso, loving the feeling of Lena’s warm, soft skin under her hands, and she realizes how breakable Lena is. How easy it would be for Kara to crush her like glass. A spike of fear flashes through her, but she pushes it away, and continues to gently move her hands along Lena’s sides.

 

Lena picks up the strap-on and shakes it in front of Kara to get her attention. Kara huffs a laugh and takes it from her. She puts in on, struggling a little with her skirt, but she manages to make it work. When she looks down, Lena is staring at her, an eyebrow quirked.

 

“Really?” she asks, gesturing her chin towards the strap-on.

 

“I can’t take off the suit,” Kara says with a shrug. She tugs Lena forward so her legs are wrapped around her waist again.

 

Lena hums and reaches into her drawer to get lube. She tosses it to Kara who easily catches it and opens it.

 

“So if you got a call right now…” Lena begins suggestively, “…and someone needed your help, you’d leave me hanging?”

 

“That’s my job,” Kara affirms, but she can feel herself smiling softly.

 

“You’d go fight crime with my fake cock hanging between your legs?” Lena practically growls, and she sits up, her gets falling back down on the bed, and pushing Kara’s hand out of the way to grab the dildo in her hand, running her hand up and down along it like it’s real. “Maybe I should get my name put on it. Make sure everyone knows who you’re fucking when you go home.”

 

Before Lena even blinks, Kara has her wrists pinned to the mattress and she’s looming over her, her expression a mixture of awe and arousal.

 

“We’ve got to do something about that mouth of yours,” Kara says, almost in disbelief.

 

“Do you want to gag me, Supergirl?” Lena asks innocently, her mouth quirked in a slight smirk.

 

“I think I’ve got a better idea,” Kara says, then she lines up the fake cock and pushes in, not too fast, but enough that Lena’s breath hitches and she goes silent.

 

Kara leans down to kiss and bite and lick at Lena’s neck until she bottoms out inside of her. She can hear and feel Lena panting beneath her, but she waits until Lena starts to roll her hips slightly to begin moving her own.

 

Kara’s never done this before, but she finds that she’s enjoying it a lot more than being on the receiving end. The way Lena moans and writhes below her is way more rewarding, and she loves the feeling of being in control, of being the one who gives pleasure instead of having to just take it. It feels a lot more like her.

 

A few times, Lena has to tap at Kara’s side to tell her that the dildo’s come out, but for the most part, Kara just thrusts and swivels her hips to find what’ll make Lena moan the loudest. And when Kara reaches between them to play with Lena’s clit, Lena’s fingers press into Kara’s back, her fingernails digging in hard enough that if Kara were human she’d be drawing blood.

 

“God, you’re so good,” Kara murmurs into Lena’s neck after she tells her that she’s close, practically drunk on fucking Lena. “Everything about you. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known.” Lena’s arms tighten slightly around her and Kara nuzzles further into Lena’s neck. “God, Lena, I love you so much. It scares me so fucking much, but I’m so in love you. You’re all I think about. I’ve never felt like this before.”

 

Kara hears Lena gasp and feels her seize up around her, and knows that Lena’s come. Kara eases her through it, and pulls back slightly once Lena goes slack and her legs drop from around her waist.

 

“I love you, too,” Lena says breathily after a moment. She reaches up to cup Kara’s cheek. “I feel like I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.” She rubs her nose against Kara’s. “My hero. My Kara.”

 

Kara is overcome with the urge to kiss her because god—that sounds so right coming from Lena, and she does. It’s electric, and Kara can practically feel the love pouring from Lena the same way she knows Lena can feel it from her.

 

“So are you gonna ride my face or what?” Lena asks after they pull away, her voice a little too breathy and her face a little too tired to be seductive. Kara’s still never felt so turned on in her life.

 

“You still up to it?” Kara asks, stroking Lena’s cheek. She doesn’t want Lena to do anything that she’s too tired to do.

 

“I think I’ll manage,” Lena says with a laugh, and Kara can’t resist kissing her again.

 

Kara sits up, straddling Lena’s hips, and the two of them remove the strap on. Lena looks skeptically at Kara’s suit, but Kara just shakes her head, reaching under the skirt to push aside the fabric covering her pussy.

 

Lena reaches forward, smoothing her hands up Kara’s thick thighs, pushing the skirt up with them and resting them on her hips. She tugs Kara forward until she’s over Lena’s face, and Lena’s mouth waters at the sight. She immediately tilts her chin up to lick at Kara.

 

“Just let me know if I push down too hard,” Kara says, still a little afraid she’s going to hurt Lena. She grips the headboard to hopefully stop herself from pressing down too hard.

 

Lena starts to eat her out, and it’s nothing like Kara’s ever experienced before, not from any of her exes or Mon-el. Lena laves at her clit and licks between her labia and dips into her soaking wet hole and moves back up to her clit again. Kara grinds back against Lena’s face and Lena seems to love it, moaning against her cunt when she does.

 

It isn’t long before Kara comes against Lena’s face, but Lena doesn’t stop. She laps up Kara’s release like it’s water and she’s dying of thirst. She doesn’t stop until Kara’s come a second time, patting Kara’s thigh to tell her she needs to get off.

 

When Kara settles back down on the bed, Lena has Kara’s release dripping down her chin and she’s panting like she’s just run a marathon. Kara giggles and runs her tongue along Lena’s sharp jaw line, loving the taste of herself on Lena.

 

“Would’ve kept going, but I needed to breathe,” Lena says eventually, and Kara laughs, brushing some of Lena’s messy hair out of her face.

 

“I’d rather you not die from eating me out for too long,” Kara says, smiling wide and shaking her head.

 

“Oh, but what a way to go,” Lena laughs. Kara leans over to kiss her because Rao, that’s cute.

 

Pulling Lena against her and kissing her like this, Kara doesn’t know if she’s ever felt so…content in her life. She loves it. She loves Lena.

 

* * *

 

Kara wakes up to the feeling of her phone vibrating in her boot. She startles before realizing that she’s in Lena’s apartment and spooning her, her arm wrapped tightly around Lena’s waist.

 

In the light of the morning, Kara realizes how huge of a mistake she’s made.

 

She launches out of the bed so fast that her movement doesn’t even jostle Lena, who only lets out a small sound, probably at the loss of Kara’s warmth.

 

Kara can feel herself panicking. She can’t believe she did this. Not only did Kara sleep with her best friend, she told her that she loved her as she did it. She kissed the words into her skin like they were long lost lovers and she’s—Kara isn’t gay. She can't be. She’s with Mon-el, and she loves him.

 

She squeezes her eyes shut, and repeats the words to herself several times. She takes a breath and fishes out her phone. It’s Mon-el.

 

Kara is out onto the balcony instantly and taking off, flying back to her apartment. When she gets there, Mon-el still has the phone up to his ear. He looks shocked to see her.

 

“Where were you?” he asks, and his annoyance is only thinly veiled. “I waited for you all night and you never came home.”

 

“I was busy,” Kara says. She brushes past him and into her room to get changed. She can hear him follow behind her.

 

“Busy doing what?” he presses, and Kara can’t help but bristle at his tone.

 

Busy doing Lena, her mind helpfully supplies. She tries to drown out the thought.

 

“Do I need to keep you updated on every damn thing I do?” Kara snaps, and Mon-el doesn’t respond. She gets dressed, then turns to see him giving her a sad wide eyed look.

 

She instantly feels bad. Maybe she shouldn’t have snapped at him. He just wants to know where she is because he loves her.

 

“Look, I had a hard day today. I was talking with Lena, and we fell asleep. It’s no big deal,” Kara says, trying to sound soothing. She gives Mon-el a reassuring smile.

 

For some reason, Mon-el doesn’t seem to like the answer.

 

“I know you were upset about that fire. I was hoping that I’d be able to comfort you about it,” Mon-el says, stepping forward to pull Kara into a hug. “Lena’s just your friend. I’m your boyfriend. I should be the one who’s there for you. I love you.”

 

Kara closes her eyes, trying to relax herself and hug him back. All she can think about is how when she held Lena, she was soft in her arms, a little smaller, more delicate. Kara had liked the feeling of protecting someone more than she likes the feeling of being protected. She resists the urge to push her way out of Mon-el’s grasp. He’s her boyfriend. She loves him. She loves it when he hugs her.

 

“Next time I’ll come to you,” Kara promises. “I’m sorry.”

 

Mon-el hugs her tighter.

 

Kara tries not to think about what she’s really apologizing for.

 

Or the fact that she isn’t even really sorry.

 

After Kara finishes getting ready, she says a quick goodbye to Mon-el, kisses him, and heads off to work.

 

As she’s walking, she realizes that that spark that she had felt with Lena was nonexistent when she kissed Mon-el. In fact, she didn’t feel anything at all when she kissed him.

 

It’s a startling enough realization that she stops walking in the middle of the crowded sidewalk. Someone bumps into her from behind and she mumbles a halfhearted apology.

 

She wipes away the thought as quickly as it came and keeps walking.

 

She isn’t gay. She loves Mon-el. She knows that that’s true. She does.

 

Except...maybe she doesn’t.

 

* * *

 

Lena wakes up completely alone in her apartment. She feels a quick pang of panic, but quickly tells herself that Kara probably had to go save the world and didn’t want to wake her up. She feels a smile involuntarily creep up on her face.

 

Lena feels like floating. She never thought that Kara would feel the same way as she did. She was a Luthor, after all, and Kara was a Super. But when Kara kissed her—she felt like the entire world was on fire and she was burning with it.

 

She checks her phone to see if Kara texted her, but she finds only work related notifications. She bites her lip, and tries not to feel worried.

 

 _Meet me for lunch? x_ Lena texts Kara, but she receives no response within the five seconds after texting, so she puts away her phone.

 

She hears it beep when she’s getting ready, and isn’t embarrassed to say that she launches herself towards it.

 

 _Sure. Noon okay?_ Kara texted back.

 

Lena smiles. Having lunch with Kara is her favorite time of the day. She wonders if it will be different now.

 

 _Perfect. I’ll see you then. xxx_ Lena responds, and she knows that she’s looking starry eyed at her phone. If Jess were here, she’d roll her eyes at her.

 

Lena collects herself and heads to work.

 

* * *

 

 

Kara doesn’t know what to expect when Lena arrives to lunch, but the last thing is for Lena to lean down and kiss her on the mouth when she shows up.

 

Oh, Rao, Lena thinks that they’re together.

 

Kara has no clue how she’s going to deal with this.

 

“How has your day been?” Lena asks, and Kara practically jumps.

 

“Um, it was all right,” Kara answers, her mind racing. “I was kind of distracted.”

 

Lena’s her best friend. There’s no way she’s going to be able to do this without destroying their friendship.

 

Lena smiles almost bashfully, and Kara feels her heart race. Probably because the more Lena seems to be in love with her, the less likely it is that Kara can salvage their friendship.

 

“Did you, um… get that paperwork in?” Kara asks, and instantly cringes because why the hell would she ask that?

 

Lena looks just as confused, her eyebrows furrowing. She looks at Kara for a long moment.

 

“I did,” Lena says eventually.

 

“That’s great!” Kara responds way too enthusiastically. “That’s just so...amazing. I’m so happy for you!”

 

Lena looks even more confused now, and Kara knows that she’s completely messed this up. You’d think that after doing this whole secret identity thing she’d be able to master the art of acting casual. She curses herself for not taking those acting lessons junior year of college.

 

“Kara, are you all right?” Lena asks, and she sounds worried, which makes Kara feel even worse.

 

Kara’s going to break her heart, and Lena’s asking her if she’s okay. That doesn’t feel right at all.

 

“Yeah! Totally!” Kara exclaims, standing up and grabbing her phone. “Oh, no! I’m getting a phone call! Sorry, Lena, I’m gonna have to take this one. Very important journalist things to do! Um, bye!”

 

Kara turns and walks away, shaking her head when she hears Lena say, “But your phone didn’t even ring.”

 

Kara feels like the absolute worst person in the world.

 

* * *

 

Kara has been sitting on her couch brimming with nervous energy ever since she got home from work.

 

The day had been quiet crime wise, probably a product of the fire from the day before, so Kara had had nothing to do but sit and wait for Lena to come over.

 

She can hear Lena’s footsteps enter the hallway and she instantly jumps up, rushing towards the door. She has it open before Lena can even knock.

 

“How did you...?” Lena asks, her hand still poised to knock on the now open door.

 

“Super hearing,” Kara says breathlessly, her nerves getting the better of her. “Come in.”

 

Kara turns away before Lena can say anything else, briefly catching the look of confusion on her face.

 

Kara sits on her couch and tries to think of how she can tell Lena that she isn’t in love with her without hurting her feelings or ruining her friendship. She had tries for the two hours since she came home and all of work after lunch, but she still couldn’t come up with a good way to say it.

 

Lena sits down on the couch, and Kara is surprised to see her sit on the opposite end. Perhaps she knows what’s coming after all.

 

But when she looks at Lena, she looks concerned, the type of concerned you only feel when you’re desperately in love with someone and would do anything to make them feel better.

 

Oh, Rao. Kara has no clue how she’s going to do this.

 

“Lena, I—” Kara pauses, biting her lip. “About last night...”

 

Lena smiles fondly like it’s one of her best memories to date. Kara’s heart sinks.

 

“What about it?” she asks, and clearly she has no idea where this is going because she’s still smiling.

 

“Last night...it was a mistake,” Kara finally says, then instantly realizes that that isn’t the way she should’ve put it.

 

She watches as Lena’s smile slowly turns into a look of devastation before Lena looks away and asks, “A mistake?”

 

“No!” Kara says, but the damage is already done. “I mean...I’m not gay and I’m with Mon-el, so we—we can’t be together like you want us to.”

 

Lena looks at her again, horror now covering her features.

 

“You’re still with Mon-el?” she asks, and she sounds way more incredulous than she should.

 

“Yes?” Kara answers defensively. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Well, for one you slept with me,” Lena points out. “And for a second thing, he’s a total jerk.”

 

Kara is shocked. She knows that Mon-el can be a little hard to deal with sometimes, but he isn’t a jerk, and it’s definitely the last thing she would’ve expected Lena to say about him from the few times that they had met. She even thought that they were getting along well, something that had made her incredibly happy.

 

She brushes off the first comment—the guilt has been eating at her and she’ll probably tell Mon-el once he gets back from the bar, but now isn’t the time to think about that.

 

“Mon-el is a great guy,” Kara snaps, but it almost feels wrong. “He’s been there for me when no one else was. He understands me more than anyone else would; he lost his planet, just like I did. He may have his moments, but he loves me.”

 

Lena scoffs, standing from the couch.

 

“He talks about you like you’re some kind of prize,” Lena says, and she finally looks at Kara again. “He barely even views you as a person. I’ve seen the way he orders you around and doesn’t listen to what you have to say.”

 

Kara can hear her heart beating in her ears. This isn’t how she had expected this conversation to go, but she knows Lena is wrong. She has to be.

 

She has to be.

 

“He is just very bold in his opinions,” Kara explains. “He listens to what I say all of the time. And when he doesn’t, he always apologizes after.”

 

“After he does something you don’t like and you yell at him,” Lena mutters, and Kara just stares at her.

 

“Lena,” Kara says slowly, like it’s going to make her understand. “I love Mon-el. When you love someone, their flaws don’t matter.”

 

Lena shakes her head angrily, and Kara catches that she seems to be tearing up. Kara can’t imagine why—Lena is the one insulting her boyfriend.

 

“Yeah, Kara, I know what being in love is like, and it isn’t like that,” Lena tells her, and Kara has a sinking feeling that Lena’s talking about being in love with her. “Yes you look past their flaws, but flaws are...being too self righteous or not liking to share their food, not being possessive or controlling. Kara, that’s practically abusive.”

 

Oh Rao, Kara can’t listen to this, and she knows that she’s going to say something that she’ll regret if this doesn’t stop now.

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kara says flatly, hoping that Lena will stop.

 

She doesn’t.

 

“Possessive and controlling. Constantly tries to put you down for being yourself. Never listens to what you have to say. Always holds his own opinions above yours. Pushes your boundaries. You’ve told me that he’s lied to you repe—”

 

“Stop!” Kara interrupts. “Just stop! He doesn’t—he’s not like that, okay?”

 

“He is, Kara, you just don’t want to see it,” Lena says, and she sounds sad, but Kara can’t find it in herself to care. “He’s abu—”

 

Kara can feel herself snap.

 

“You’re just jealous because I’m in love with him, and I’ll never love you the same way!” Kara says, and she sees Lena’s eyes widen before Kara turns and kicks her coffee table hard enough that a leg breaks off.

 

“And you’re just angry because you know that Mon-el could never love you as much as I do,” Lena says, and she sounds a lot calmer than Kara feels. “And because you could never love him as much as you love me either.”

 

Lena stalks out of Kara’s apartment and slams the door behind her.

 

Somewhere deep down, Kara knows that she’s right.

 

Instead of confronting that, she pulls out her phone and calls Mon-el.

 

* * *

 

When Mon-el gets back, Kara kisses him before he’s even stepped through the threshold.

 

She wants to prove Lena wrong. She does love Mon-el, and in a different way from how she could ever love Lena.

 

When she kisses him, she tastes the alien alcohol on his breath. She’s annoyed that he was drinking, but she doesn’t feel much else.

 

It’s fine, she tells herself. She’s just angry from her fight with Lena. She and Mon-el have a spark; she’s just out of it right now.

 

“I brought you some food,” Mon-el says, lifting the bags in his hands that she hadn’t noticed.

 

Kara smiles. Lena was wrong about him. He obviously cares for her.

 

She takes the bag and gives him another quick kiss, then sets it down on the counter. She needs to tell him the truth.

 

“Mon-el, listen,” Kara starts, then holds back a wince at how bad that sounds. “We need to talk.”

 

She can see Mon-el’s posture become defensive immediately, and she wants to quell his tension before he starts yelling at her, but she doesn’t know how.

 

“Mon-el, I...” Kara pauses, unsure how to say it. “I slept with Lena last night when I didn’t come home.”

 

Kara braces herself for Mon-el’s angry onslaught, but it doesn’t come. Instead, he laughs.

 

He _laughs_.

 

Kara blinks in shock, but composes herself enough to say, “You aren’t mad?”

 

“Why would I be mad?” Mon-el laughs, and he pulls Kara into a half hug, pulling her further into the apartment.

 

Kara can’t resist the urge to push away from him, feeling smothered and guilty.

 

“Because I cheated on you?” Kara suggests, and she doesn’t know why she’s inviting him to be angry with her. She should feel relieved.

 

Maybe she thinks she deserves it.

 

Mon-el laughs again. Kara bristles. Why won’t he take this seriously?

 

“Having sex with another woman isn’t cheating,” Mon-el scoffs, emptying the contents of the bag of leftovers. “It’s hot. You should invite me if you’re going to do it again.”

 

Kara feels anger bubble so quickly inside of her she can barely stop herself from bursting. The idea of Mon-el...fetishizing what her and Lena did the night before makes her feel sick. It wasn’t some man’s sex fantasy it was rea—

 

Kara stops herself. She shouldn’t be mad. She should be happy that her boyfriend isn’t mad that she cheated on him. It was just a mistake and she’ll never do it again.

 

“Right,” Kara says through gritted teeth. “I’ll make sure to do that.”

 

She leaves her apartment before Mon-el can get in another word.

 

* * *

 

Kara shows up at Alex’s apartment just two minutes later, contemplating whether or not she should confide with her about this. Alex is always right, she knows that, but she isn’t sure that she wants to hear the truth this time.

 

After she finally gathers the courage to knock, Alex opens the door, a worried expression marring her features.

 

“What’s wrong?” Alex asks immediately, not moving out of the doorway. She’s in her pajamas, but she looks two seconds from grabbing her gun and running out the door.

 

“Why do you just assume that there’s something wrong?” Kara asks, not at all trying to stall from having to talk about Lena. “I do visit, too, you know.”

 

“You never come over this late. And, lately, it seems like there’s always a problem,” Alex sighs, but she steps aside to let Kara in. “Is it about Mon-el?”

 

Kara doesn’t like the way Alex almost sneered his name. It reminds her of what Lena said earlier.

 

“No,” she says, but pauses. “Well, kinda.”

 

“What did he do know?” Alex asks? and she sounds way too exasperated. Has Kara really come to her to complain about Mon-el that many times?

 

“He didn’t do anything!” Kara is quick to defend, then shifts uncomfortably. “I did.”

 

Alex looks surprised to hear that. Her head snaps towards Kara, and she’s more alert than she has been for their entire conversation.

 

“You did something?” Alex repeats incredulously. “What did you do?”

 

Kara pauses. She doesn’t know how to say this. She knows that Alex would have no problem with Kara maybe being attracted to women—Alex is a lesbian, after all—but Kara also knows that she isn’t gay. If she tells Alex that she had sex with Lena, Alex will try to convince her that she is, and she’ll still look at her differently, and—no. Kara is just going to have to leave out some details.

 

“I...I may have cheated on him,” Kara says reluctantly, looking away so she doesn’t have to see Alex’s reaction.

 

“You what?” Alex exclaims, before seemingly calming herself. “Did you tell him? Kara, you have to tell him.”

 

Kara would feel offended that Alex would think that she wouldn’t if she hadn’t just admitted to cheating on her boyfriend. It seems she’s been doing pretty out of character things lately.

 

“Of course I told him! And he didn’t even care.” Kara pauses, still bothered about Mon-el’s lack of response. “He didn’t even care.”

 

“So...have you two broken up?” Alex asks, sounding unsure.

 

“No, we haven’t. But I—I’m not sure how I’m feeling,” Kara admits, thinking back to what she had told Lena the night before.

 

Maybe—maybe she does have some sort of feelings for Lena.

 

“What do you mean?” Alex asks, leaning forward, her face open and comforting.

 

Kara feels like she doesn’t deserve this, but she pushes the feeling down.

 

“When I had sex with...this other person, it felt like nothing I had ever felt before,” Kara confesses, and even just saying it makes her feel guilty. “When I’m with Mon-el it’s never felt like that. I mean, it’s okay, but sometimes I just...zone out. But with L—this other person, I was there the whole time. I had the best or—”

 

“All right, I get it,” Alex suddenly cuts her off, and Kara immediately snaps her mouth shut, realizing that she was practically gushing about her night with Lena.

 

“Sorry,” Kara mumbles.

 

“It’s fine,” Alex says, and she’s analyzing Kara just like she knew she would. “Do you think you love this person?”

 

That’s a loaded question.

 

Kara knows that she told Lena that she’s in love with her. And she thinks that what she feels for Lena may be the strongest thing she’s ever felt for someone that wasn’t family. But she knows she isn’t gay—she can’t be, so there’s no way she’s in love with Lena.

 

“I don’t—I’m not sure yet,” Kara finally settles on because it’s the only answer she can give that won’t feel like a lie.

 

“Then maybe you should talk to them,” Alex suggests, looking cautious. “See how they feel about everything and then maybe you’ll realize that you don’t want to be with them or Mon-el at all.”

 

Kara nods because, yeah, that feels right. She can talk to Lena about this and even if she doesn’t feel that way about her, maybe she can salvage what’s left of their friendship. She can’t imagine her life without Lena, and she doesn’t want to.

 

“Yeah, you’re right, Alex, I will,” Kara says with a smile. “Thanks.”

 

Alex smiles warmly, and reaches over to give her a hug.

 

It isn’t until Kara has one foot out the door that Alex says, “By the way, say hi to Lena for me.”

 

Kara doesn’t think she’s ever run so fast in her life.

 

* * *

 

When Kara arrives at Lena’s apartment, she thinks she’s made a mistake. There’s no way she should’ve come here, not after what she said to Lena.

 

“The door’s open,” Lena calls from inside. Kara freezes.

 

Kara slowly makes her way in the door, and startles when she sees Lena.

 

She’s sitting on her couch holding a bottle of scotch in her hand. There’s no glass anywhere in sight.

 

The idea that Lena’s been sitting alone in her apartment and drinking scotch until the bottle was half empty breaks Kara’s heart, especially because she knows that she’s the one who caused this. She’s the one who made Lena feel like this.

 

Kara carefully closes the door behind her and sits down on the couch next to Lena. She moves to take the bottle from Lena’s hand, but Lena jerks it away before she can.

 

“What’re you doing here, Kara?” she slurs, and Kara wants to kick her own ass for making Lena sound as upset as she does. “Didn’t hurt me enough the first time? Came back to tell me how you could never love me again?”

 

Kara shakes her head. This is exactly what she hadn’t wanted. She messed up. She messed up sleeping with Lena, she messed up by telling her it was a mistake. She has no clue how she’s going to fix this.

 

“Lena,” Kara says softly, and she shuffled over enough that their knees are touching. “You know I’d never hurt you on purpose.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Lena scoffs. “Then what do you call fucking me and saying me you love me and then the next day telling me it was all a mistake and you’re still with your stupid boyfriend who treats you like shit? What’s that, Kara? Because it sounds a lot like hurting me in a way that wasn’t unintentional.”

 

“I didn’t want to hurt you!” Kara insists. “I just got caught up in the moment and I didn’t realize until after it was over and—Lena I don’t want to ruin our friendship, you mean every—a lot to me.”

 

Lena shakes her head bitterly, but she puts down the bottle.

 

“I think it’s too late, Kara,” Lena says quietly, and Kara feels her heart sink all the way through to the floor. “You chose him over me.”

 

“No, I didn’t!” Kara protests, moving in closer to Lena and gripping her knee. “I would never make that choice.”

 

Lena looks down at Kara’s hand and for a second she looks curious, but her expression quickly turns blank again.

 

“Yes, you did,” Lena says, and her voice sounds resolute. Final. “You know how much you mean to me, but you still—you still hurt me like this. You still went back to him even though you could have me.”

 

“That’s not how it is,” Kara denies, shaking her head.

 

“Yes, it is!” Lena exclaims, and it’s the first real emotion she’s shown since Kara came inside. “You told me you loved me and you had sex with me and you loved it. You know you did. And you want to be with me so much more than you do Mon-el, but you still chose him over me. Goddammit, Kara, when are you going to stop fucking lying to yourself?”

 

Kara startles because she’s never seen Lena blow up like this. And somewhere deep inside she knows that Lena is right but she can’t face that because no no no she isn’t gay she can’t be gay she just can’t she—

 

Kara leaps up from the couch, immediately closing herself off.

 

“I knew coming here would be a mistake,” Kara spits, her mind racing.

 

“Is that all I am to you?” Lena asks, standing up as well, though she sways when she does. “A mistake?”

 

The way Lena says it is what gets to her. She doesn’t sound upset, more like... it’s exactly what she expected. She sounds resigned, and Kara feels Lena’s words like they’ve stabbed her in the gut.

 

Kara mind races with responses to that question. Her mind supplies _never_ and it’s true, but she doesn’t think Lena would believe her.

 

The next thing Kara knows, her and Lena are kissing. She doesn’t know who kissed who first, but Kara has the feeling that it was her. Lena’s hands curl into her hair and she kisses like she’s desperate. It’s the most intense kiss that Kara’s ever had and it leaves her heart pounding and her breath stolen.

 

“Kara,” Lena whimpers when she pulls away, her breath still ghosting over Kara’s lips. “Kara, please.”

 

And Kara can hear what Lena’s trying to say. She can hear it so clearly in her voice.

 

 _Please don’t leave me_ , Lena is begging.

 

And Kara knows she’s going to break her heart again. She’s never hated herself more in her life.

 

“Lena,” Kara whispers back, and she can hear the anguish in her own voice. “I can’t.”

 

Lena pulls away so suddenly that Kara is almost shocked.

 

“Then just leave me the fuck alone,” Lena snarls, and she turns away and towards her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

 

Kara stands there for a long moment, staring at the closed door.

 

She can feel something curling inside of her, the same thing she felt when she lost Krypton, when she lost Astra. Her eyes tear up, and her breathing gets rough. She needs—she needs—

 

She shakes it out. She needs Mon-el.

 

* * *

 

Mon-el’s barely has the door open before Kara’s launched herself at him, her arms curling around his neck and her lips meeting his.

 

She kisses him and kisses him and kisses him and she feels—

 

She still feels nothing.

 

“Whoa!” Mon-el says with a laugh once he pulls away. “What’s gotten into you? Is this how we’re greeting each other now.”

 

“Nothing,” Kara croaks, her voice thick. “I just...I just love you.”

 

It sounds fake to her own ears.

 

Mon-el smirks at her, and it makes Kara feel like he’s looking at her like a prize he’s won. Lena’s words echo in her ears and she squeezes her eyes shut.

 

He kisses her again and Kara feels like she’s kissing a wall. His hands move along her body and she wants to shove them off.

 

She thinks about Lena. The way Lena’s kisses practically burn her, the way Lena is always so desperate for it, like she thinks Kara is going to disappear—like she can’t believe she gets to have her.

 

She tentatively moves her hands to Mon-el’s shoulders and all she can think of is how much more she enjoyed Lena’s soft, smaller frame. How much she enjoyed leaning down to kiss her. How much she enjoyed kissing her.

 

Kara pulls away abruptly and steps away. She’s just upset about Lena is all. That’s why she still doesn’t feel anything. That’s why she keeps thinking about Lena.

 

She feels tears running down her cheeks before she even knows she’s crying.

 

“Why are you crying?” Mon-el asks, and he sounds annoyed. “I thought you were happy to see me.”

 

“Lena and I—” Kara’s voice breaks as she holds back a sob. “We, um, we had a bit of a falling out.”

 

“Oh. Well, that’s too bad,” Mon-el says, slightly dismissive.

 

“It is?” Kara asks, looking up at him in surprise. Is Mon-el actually showing some compassion towards her?

 

Maybe he isn’t so bad.

 

“Yeah,” Mon-el says, patting her on the shoulder. “You said you guys would fool around while I watch. I was kind of looking forward to it.”

 

Kara feels disgust curl in her, but she suppresses it and lets out a long sigh.

 

“I’m gonna go to Alex’s for tonight,” Kara says, turning to leave. They had never even closed the door and she’s already leaving.

 

She hears Mon-el call her name in confusion, but she’s already gone.

 

* * *

 

The next day at work, Kara can’t focus. All she can think about is breaking Lena’s heart, of the way Lena looked at her before she slammed the door, of the way she never feels anything when she kisses Mon-el.

 

“Hey, Kara,” James says, walking up to her desk. He looks almost sheepish.

 

“Yeah?” Kara asks, a little brusquely.

 

“I need you to take a meeting for me at two thirty. Eve messed up and I’m overbooked, but I didn’t want to cancel, so I thought you might be able to take it,” James says quickly, giving her a charming smile that used to do everything and nothing for her at the same time.

 

“Yeah, sure, who is it?” Kara asks. Maybe this will be able to get her mind off of Lena.

 

“Lena Luthor,” James says, and Kara immediately feels panic rising in her. “I know you guys are friends anyway, and I wanted to talk to her about maybe doing the cover story for next month’s issue. I may not like her, but she is the most powerful and famous woman in National City—aside from Supergirl of course.” He gives her a crooked smile.

 

But his smile quickly fades when he notices the look on Kara’s face.

 

“Kara, what’s wrong?” he asks, pulling up a seat next to her and sitting down. “You and Lena are friends...aren’t you?”

 

Kara feels herself tearing up and her chest feels restricted like she can’t breathe.

 

“We were, but...” Kara trails off, closing her eyes and willing herself not to feel this way.

 

“You had a falling out?” James finishes and Kara nods. “Damn, Kara, I’m sorry. I know you guys were close.”

 

Kara shrugs.

 

“That’s life,” she brushes off tearfully.

 

“Do you want me to cancel the meeting?” he asks gently. “I’ll reschedule it for another time. It may not be for a few months, but it’ll still be fine.”

 

Kara shakes her head. She can do this. And if Lena isn’t willing to discuss work matters with her, well, at least Kara tried.

 

“No, I’ll do it,” Kara tells him, standing up. “I’ll just need a few minutes to get ready.”

 

It’s... awkward to say the least. Lena isn’t happy when she sees Kara, that much is obvious, but she keeps her expression neutral until James leaves after a quick apology at having Kara sub in. After that, she gives Kara one hard look that clearly dictates that Lena isn’t happy about this before schooling herself back into her unaffected act.

 

Lena isn’t unprofessional, which Kara appreciates, but she isn’t friendly. Her answers are short, and she ultimately ends the meeting by telling Kara that she’ll think about the magazine piece, but she doesn’t have the time currently.

 

Lena leaves without shaking Kara’s hand. She leaves without even looking her in the eyes. She just says, “Thank you, Ms. Danvers. Let Mr. Olsen know that I’ll be in touch.”

 

As she watches Lena go, Kara thinks that this is how her relationship with Lena is going to be now. Because of what she did to her. Because she’s scared.

 

It hurts way more than it would if Kara really believed that Lena was only her friend. She can’t even push the thought away anymore. Her chest hurts too much.

 

* * *

 

Kara doesn’t even bother going back to her apartment, too tired and too heartbroken to see Mon-el and pretend that he makes her feel any better.

 

Alex has no problem inviting her inside, and she tries to entice Kara with TV until it becomes clear that Kara has no other desire than to sit around and feel sorry for herself.

 

An hour passes of Alex trying to distract her before the doorbell rings, and Winn comes inside, his arms full of pizza and potstickers.

 

“Look what I brought!” Winn says enthusiastically, dropping the pizza boxes onto Alex’s coffee table. Something shatters and Alex makes an affronted sound.

 

“I’m not hungry,” Kara mumbles, curling in on herself a little further.

 

“You’re not hungry?” Winn repeats, shocked. “Alex, I think it’s time to go to the DEO and run some tests.”

 

“Shut up,” Kara mutters, reaching blindly to push at his chest.

 

“Why don’t we play a game, then?” Alex suggests, clapping her hands once. “Kara, you can pick!”

 

Kara just shoves her face into a pillow and groans.

 

“Okay, I’ll pick the game,” Alex says, heading to her closet to rummage through it for one. Kara here's a bunch of crashing sounds, but ignores it.

 

Winn gets up and grabs the pizza to move it to the kitchen, and Kara is grateful for the moment of silence. She wishes that—

 

Alex comes back in the room, clutching one of Kara’s favorite games, Life, with a grin.

 

“Come on, Kara, playing this will make you feel at least a little better,” Alex prods, sitting cross legged on the other side of the table and beginning to set up the game.

 

Kara reluctantly sits up and agrees to play, and Winn whoops from in the kitchen. He comes back with plates of pizza and potstickers, and Kara takes her plate even though she doesn’t really want any.

 

Kara has to admit that playing the game does make her feel better. She goes to college and picks her career—Alex laughs when she picks up the Salesperson card for her job, insisting that she would be the worst salesperson to exist.

 

“I would not!” Kara laughs, and she’s actually smiling. “I’d be a great salesperson! I’m the best liar here!”

 

“Then why does everyone you’re friends with know that you’re Supergirl?” Alex scoffs, moving her piece along the board, and pulling the doctor card, much to her pleasure.

 

Winn gets the athlete card, and pouts when Kara and Alex make fun of him.

 

Kara feels good for the first time in the past few days, that is, until she lands on the get married space. Alex reaches over and hands her a blue person to go with the pink one in her car. Kara just stares at it, sitting in Alex’s palm.

 

“Kara, take it,” Alex says, shaking her hand slightly to get Kara’s attention.

 

But. Kara doesn’t want to. She looks at the blue piece and pictures it next to her pink one, the two of them alone in her green car together. And it doesn’t feel right. She doesn’t want to marry the blue piece. She doesn’t want to be with Mon-el.

 

She wants to be with Lena.

 

She loves Lena.

 

Holy shit. Kara’s a lesbian and she’s in love with her best friend who’s another woman.

 

Kara stands abruptly, and Alex and Winn look up at her in surprise.

 

Before either of them can ask what’s going on, Kara says offhandedly, “I have to go.” and is out the door.

 

* * *

 

Kara doesn’t even realize where she’s going before she’s standing on the Catco balcony. She can see James inside, hunched over his desk and working overtime, as usual. He doesn’t notice her until she grips the railing so hard it groans as it’s bent.

 

He looks up at her, eyebrows raised when he realizes it’s her. She can hear him say her name, but it’s soft, obviously to himself. He motions for her to come in.

 

She tentatively opens the door and gives him a smile to attempt to say that nothing’s wrong.

 

James stands up immediately and comes around the desk.

 

“What’s wrong, Kara?” he asks, guiding her towards the couch and sitting them both down.

 

Normally, being led around would bother Kara but she—she can barely even think right now. If anything, it’s comforting.

 

“I—” Kara starts, but she chokes on a sob. She doesn’t even know what to say—she doesn’t know if she can.

 

James puts his arm over her shoulder and pulls her close.

 

“Hey, whatever it is, it’s okay. We’ll get through this. You’ve got me, and Alex, and Winn, and J’onn, and Mon-el, and we’re—” James stops once Mon-el’s name makes her let out another sob. “Is this—is this about Lena? Or is it about Mon-el? Did you two break up?”

 

Kara shakes her head. She takes a deep breath to compose herself. She pulls out of James’s arms just enough that she can see his face.

 

“James when we—” Her voice breaks. “When we kissed, what did it feel like to you?”

 

James looks confused, and Kara doesn’t blame him. It’s not the type of question that someone usually asks their ex, but she needs to know.

 

“It felt...good,” James finally says. Kara motions for him to continue. “I don’t really know how to describe it. It felt almost electric. It felt...real.” He pauses for a moment and shakes his head. “I don’t know. Does that sound weird?”

 

Kara can feel tears finally escape, and there’s a pit deep in her stomach because she knows. God, she doesn’t know how there was a time that she didn’t. How she could have ever thought that what she felt with Mon-el or even James—who she loves, but not like that—was normal? What she felt with Lena, it was exactly like James said.

 

It felt real.

 

And every kiss or touch she’d ever shared with a man it just...didn’t.

 

Kara curls tighter into James side and tucks her face into his chest and just cries. She knows he must be confused, but he still rubs a soothing hand down her back and tells her that it’s going to be okay.

 

She pulls back and wipes at her face, but it doesn’t do much good. She clears her throat and looks at the floor.

 

“James, I...” Kara trails off because she doesn’t think she can say it.

 

She’s a superhero who fights crime every day and is constantly at the risk of being killed, but she can’t say that she’s a—

 

Rao, she can’t even _think_ it.

 

All of her life, everyone’s always expected something of her. On Krypton, her parents expected her to become someone as great and well known as they were. And when Krypton was dying, they expected her to go to a planet she had never been to before all on her own to take care of her baby cousin. When she got to Earth, the Danvers expected her to pretend to be normal and hide her powers. And when she did reveal them, everyone expected her to be a hero, to live up to her cousin.

 

And this—for some reason, this feels like she’s letting everyone down.

 

She’s always had this image of who she wanted to be. Strong, intelligent, tactical, rational, moral, brave, a role model. But that’s all that that is, an image. Real people have flaws. They're complex, and they don't fit into one single perfect image. Kara could never be just that image. It’s not real. Just like whatever she thought she was feeling for men in the past.

 

What she feels for Lena, that’s real.

 

“James, I...” Kara tries again, but her voice still breaks. “I think I’m a lesbian.” Her voice lowers when she says the last word, and she can’t look at him, but she feels a weight lift off of her shoulders.

 

She doesn’t see James’s reaction, but she doesn’t have to to know he’s surprised.

 

He pulls her in closer and she lets him. It’s comforting in a way she can’t even describe.

 

“Kara, I’m glad you told me,” he says. “You know this doesn’t change anything, right? I still love you.”

 

And Kara can’t help but start crying again. She can’t help but think that on Krypton she wouldn’t have been told the same thing. Hearing it from someone she loves, someone she considers family, it means more to her than she ever thought it could.

 

She feels relieved.

 

She giggles against his chest, and pulls back. He looks confused, and it makes her laugh harder.

 

“What?” he asks, and she tries to calm herself enough to speak.

 

“You might change your mind when I tell you that I’m in love with Lena Luthor,” she laughs, and laughs harder when he looks shocked.

 

James shakes his head, but Kara can see a smile forming on his face.

 

“You know I’ll support you no matter what,” he tells her. “Even if you have questionable taste in women.”

 

Kara snorts and shoves him slightly, making him laugh.

 

“I have a great taste in women. Better taste than I had in men, at least,” she says, and sticks her tongue out at him when he gives her a mock offended look.

 

They both laugh, and Kara reaches over and pulls James into a tight hug.

 

“Thank you,” she tells him sincerely. “You don’t know how much this meant to me.”

 

“Any time,” he says, giving her a kiss on the top of her head before pulling away. He gets up and heads towards the phone. “How about I order some potstickers and we go back to my place and have a Star Wars marathon?”

 

Kara grins and stands up. She barely ate at Alex's, and suddenly she's starving.

 

“Potstickers and Star Wars? James, I think I was wrong. I’m still straight and I want you to marry me,” Kara says, dramatically placing her hand over her heart.

 

James rolls his eyes and heads for the phone, but he’s got a huge smile on his face and Kara feels more like herself than she ever has.

 

* * *

 

Kara doesn’t get back to her apartment until after eleven the next day. She’s tired—she had to stay late at work and Supergirl had gotten kicked around at least three times that night.

 

“Where were you?” Mon-el snaps immediately once she closes the door, and Kara resists the urge to roll her eyes.

 

As much as she wants to break up with him, she’s too tired for this right now.

 

“Last night?” she asks, and he nods, eyes narrowed. “I was with James.”

 

He makes an annoyed sound, and this time Kara can’t hold back her eye roll.

 

“What? You like James,” she says, and she instantly notices how messed up it is that she has to defend spending time with her friend. “And we just watched a movie and I slept on his couch, that’s all.”

 

“I don’t like that you were with him all night,” Mon-el says, and Kara can feel something in her snap.

 

“You didn’t care when I was fucking Lena all night,” Kara snipes, slamming her bag down on the table. She winces when she hears a cracking sound.

 

“That was different,” Mon-el brushes off.

 

“Yeah, it was,” Kara says. “Because Lena and I actually had sex.”

 

“That’s not real sex,” Mon-el says condescendingly.

 

Kara can feel anger curling in her gut like a fist, but she holds it back. She’s used to it.

 

“It’s realer than whatever you imagine I did with James,” Kara mutters, moving past him and towards the kitchen.

 

Mon-el catches her arm and pulls her into a hug, and Kara goes completely rigid.

 

“I just love you, Kara,” Mon-el says, and it rubs her the wrong way.

 

She tries to shrug him off but he holds her tighter.

 

“Kara, I love you,” he repeats, and this time Kara succeeds in shoving him off.

 

“What is it?” he asks, and Kara can hear the usual annoyance lacing his tone. “What did I do this time?”

 

“Everything!” Kara bursts out. “Everything you do is wrong!”

 

Mon-el’s mouth briefly falls open in shock before he folds his arms indignantly.

 

“You have such unrealistic standards, Kara!” Mon-el says, and he sounds so mad but Kara hardly cares. “You want me to be perfect, but I’m not! You think that you’re too good for me, but no one’s going to love you as much as I do!”

 

Kara freezes, and Lena’s words from just a few days ago echo in her head.

 

And the realization isn’t surprising, but Lena was right. Lena does love her more than Mon-el ever could. She doesn’t just look past Kara’s faults—she loves her for them. Mon-el, he tolerates her shortcomings and berates her for having them when they become inconvenient.

 

And Kara loves Lena so much more than she could ever love Mon-el—even if she weren't gay.

 

“You’re right,” Kara says slowly, and Mon-el’s anger turns to smugness before Kara can finish. “I already know someone who loves me a lot more.”

 

She shoulders past him and towards the door, but he steps in front of her before she can leave.

 

She briefly considers grabbing him and throwing him out the window, but decides that she doesn’t want to have to pay to get her window fixed.

 

“Is it James?” he growls, and Kara barely resists rolling her eyes. “It’s James, isn’t it?”

 

“No, it’s not,” Kara says, and she can feel herself unconsciously mirroring his posture. “It’s Lena.”

 

“Lena,” Mon-el scoffs. “Be serious, Kara.”

 

“I am serious,” Kara says, and she squares her shoulders firmly. “I slept with Lena because I’m in love with her.”

 

Mon-el looks at her for a minute before laughing under his breath and shaking his head.

 

“Kara, you had me worried there for a minute,” Mon-el chuckles, and Kara grinds her teeth so hard she’s afraid they’ll turn to dust. “I thought you were breaking up with me.”

 

“I am breaking up with you!” Kara snaps, and she hopes that he’s finally going to get it. “Mon-el, I’m a lesbian.”

 

That just makes Mon-el laugh even harder.

 

“No you’re not,” he says. “Why would you have sex with me then?”

 

“Because I’m a lesbian!” Kara repeats forcefully. “And you liked me, and I thought that I could force myself to like you back, but I can’t because you’re an insufferable jackass and I’m gay!”

 

And with that, Kara pushes past him, opens the door, and leaves.

 

And maybe she’s just petty enough to slam the door hard enough that it falls off the hinges, but she’s the one who’s going to have to pay for it anyway, so who cares?

 

* * *

 

Kara gets to Lena’s apartment in record time, but she stops before she goes inside.

 

What if it’s too late now? What if Lena got tired of waiting for Kara to come around and she’s already moved on? What if—

 

Kara stops herself. There’s no sense in worrying about this. She‘s Supergirl. She can do this.

 

When she knocks, it’s still tentative, and she’s a little afraid that it was too soft because Lena doesn’t answer for a good minute.

 

Lena opens the door, and she’s dressed in one of the most casual outfits Kara’s ever seen her in—just one of Kara’s old NCU sweaters that she’d stolen, sweatpants, and some oddly eccentric socks that Kara wouldn’t have ever expected Lena to wear.

 

“Kara?” Lena asks, surprise coloring her tone. She looks so surprised that she's forgotten to be angry at Kara. “What are you doing here so late?”

 

Kara looks past Lena to the clock over her mantle. It’s well past one in the morning. Kara wonders how long she had been standing out here.

 

“Kara?” Lena asks again, and now she sounds worried.

 

Kara can’t help herself, she lurches forward and kisses Lena. Lena makes a surprised sound, but he hands immediately curl into Kara’s hair and she easily opens her mouth for Kara to lick into.

 

After a moment, Lena starts shaking her head and pushes Kara away.

 

“Kara, no,” Lena pants. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t love you while you—”

 

“I love you,” Kara blurts out because she can’t stop herself. “I love you so fucking much. You were right—I could never love Mon-el the way that I love you. Every time I was with him, all I wanted was to be with you.”

 

Lena looks stunned. Her lips are parted just slightly and her eyes are wide. Kara would give anything to be able to kiss her.

 

“My whole life, I’ve been forcing myself to think I liked guys because they were nice to me or they liked me first, or—” Kara stops, shaking her head. “But, Lena, what I feel for you, that’s real. It might just be the realest thing I’ve let myself feel in a long time. I’m so sorry.”

 

Lena looks at her for a long time after that. Kara feels a little uncomfortable; she’s still standing in Lena’s hallway and she just poured her heart out to her, and Lena’s just…looking at her.

 

A moment passes, and then Lena tugs Kara into her apartment, closes the door, and jumps into her arms in what feels like the same second. Kara’s so startled by it that she stumbles slightly, but she still wraps her arms around Lena’s waist and laughs when she feels Lena smile from where she’s buried her face in Kara’s neck.

 

Lena pulls back slightly, and she’s got the biggest smile on her face and her eyes seem a little teary. Kara doesn’t think anything in her life, not even saving the world as many times as she has, could feel as good as putting a smile that wide on Lena’s face.

 

“I broke up with Mon-el,” Kara says because she needs Lena to know that this is serious. “I’m all yours.”

 

Somehow, Lena’s smile gets wider, and this time a tear does fall. Kara sets Lena down on the floor, keeping one arm firmly around Lena’s waist, while she moves to cup Lena’s face in her hand with the other, using her thumb to brush away Lena’s tear.

 

“You promise?” Lena asks, and she almost sounds in awe, like she can’t believe she gets to have this. Kara feels the same way.

 

“Always,” Kara promises. “I’m always gonna be yours.”

 

And Lena kisses her then, and Kara feels like she’s drowning in it—like she’s drowning in all of the feelings swirling inside of her, all of the things that Lena makes her feel, and she gladly would if it meant she’d never have to let go of her.

 

Kara easily lets Lena guide her to the bedroom. She lets Lena pull off her clothes on piece of a time, lets her roam her fingertips across her bare skin like she never let her before. She lets Lena guide Kara’s hands into undressing her, and lets Lena suck her fingers into her mouth when Lena’s can’t take anymore of Kara’s gentle kisses to the skin she’s exposed. She lets Lena teach her how to love her like she wants her to and Kara is more than happy to learn.

 

Lena removes Kara’s fingers and kisses her spit slicked fingertips and begs Kara softly to fuck her, _please_ , and god, there’s no way Kara can resist.

 

She pats Lena’s thigh and she gets the signal to wrap her legs around Kara’s waist. Kara dips her hand between Lena’s legs, brushing her clit just barely. She begins rubbing circles into it light enough that it’s more of a tease than anything, but Lena still moans like Kara’s fucking her into the mattress.

 

“God, Kara, please,” Lena whimpers, and Kara can feel Lena panting more than she can hear it.

 

Kara nods, placing light kisses on Lena’s lips and whispering, “Don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of you.” before she finally pushes a finger inside of Lena. It’s slow, but Lena’s thick thighs still tighten around her waist and she keens low against Kara’s lips.

 

Kara’s other hand moves up to tangle her fingers with Lena’s, and Lena squeezes her hand tightly enough that Kara thinks it would hurt if she weren’t Kryptonian.

 

When Kara pushes a second finger into Lena, Lena’s high pitched moans have Kara so wet she can feel it practically dripping down her thighs. Lena must notice something, because she moves the hand that isn’t holding Kara’s between Kara’s legs. She runs a finger in between Kara’s labia and her breath hitches, probably because she feels how wet Kara is.

 

“God, you’re so wet,” Lena says, and she sounds so completely wrecked, that Kara can’t stop the whimper that pushes past her lips.

 

“You don’t even know what you do to me,” Kara tells her roughly, and she starts fucking Lena with her fingers a little bit harder.

 

“Kara,” Lena gasps, and her hand grips Kara’s tighter.

 

Kara is hit in a rush with just how much she feels for Lena, just how much she loves her and being with her and kissing her and fucking her, and she dips down to capture Lena’s lips in a kiss much softer than the way she’s fingering her.

 

Lena uses her fingers wet from running them along Kara’s cunt to rub her clit in just the way that Kara loves, and she has to bury her face in Lena’s neck. Lena lets out a breathy laugh.

 

“I remembered that you liked when I did that with my tongue,” Lena tells her, pressing a kiss to the side of her sweat soaked hair.

 

It’s not long before they’re both coming, gasping each other’s names and shaking through their orgasms. Kara rolls over so she doesn’t crush Lena, but tugs Lena close so they still don’t have any space between them.

 

“I love you,” Lena whispers into the hollow of her throat. "We need to talk about what happened, but...I do. So much."

 

Kara’s arms tighten around Lena, and she smiles and buries her face in Lena’s hair. She hasn’t felt this happy in forever—not since she was a little kid on a planet that no longer exists.

 

“I love you, too,” Kara says, but it sounds like a promise. “And this time I’m not going to go back to my boyfriend tomorrow and pretend I never said that.”

 

Lena gives her a light shove, and laughs, “too soon” as Kara shoves her back in retaliation. They shove at each other until Lena’s back on her back with Kara on top of her, their lips connected in a kiss that’s somehow playful and passionate at the same time.

 

“Well, now you’ve got me forever,” Kara mumbles against Lena’s lips. “Are you sure you can handle that?”

 

Lena giggles and rolls her eyes, but gives Kara a serious look as she answers, “I think I’ll be able to manage.”

 

She pulls Kara back down for a kiss, and Kara has never felt luckier.

**Author's Note:**

> i think this fic only took me about 3 months, so it's definitely an improvement over last time! i did consider continuing on a little further with this, but i figured that this was the perfect place to end it, and like i said. i've been working on this for 3 months. i might still go back and edit this a little futher though because i thought it was a little choppy at certain places.
> 
> thanks for reading, as always. supercorp endgame!


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